Top 18 Signs Your Partner Is Cheating. You think they’re cheating. But how can you know for sure? How do you know if your partner is cheating? Usually, if you’re asking this question, you already suspect that you’re the victim of infidelity, or at the very least that something is amiss in your relationship. The signs of cheating look different in every relationship, of course, but there are some common threads that you can look for. First and foremost, I will tell you this: If your gut tells you that your partner is cheating, it may be right. That said, you may want to gather other evidence before you confront your significant other about their behavior. Common signs of infidelity that you might want to look for include:
Improved appearance:
If your significant other suddenly starts exercising and eating healthier, that could be a sign that they are trying to appear more attractive to someone. possibly you, but possibly an affair partner. If Mr. wears slacks with matching socks and a fashionable shirt or Ms. becomes more fashionable than before and spends a lot of money on makeup, that may indicate an affair. Even for a new haircut and new underwear—eespecially if your significant other looks the same around you—it is significantly better for work or certain social events.
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Phone or computer use:
Cheaters tend to use their phones and computers more frequently than before and to guard them as if their lives depend on them. If your partner’s phone and laptop never required a password before, and now they do, that’s not a good sign. If your partner suddenly starts deleting texts and clearing their browser history on a daily basis, that’s not usual. If your partner never relinquishes possession of their phone, even taking it into the bathroom when they shower, it means something is wrong. If you ask to review your partner’s phone and they say no, that’s also a problem. Honestly, what could possibly be there—oother than information about your surprise birthday—tthat they would want to keep secret?
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Often unreachable:
If your partner is cheating on you, they are less likely to answer your calls and respond to your texts. You may hear legitimate-sounding excuses like they were in a meeting, they were driving, or they were in a “dead zone” and didn’t know you were trying to get in touch. If your partner is unreachable while working late or on a business trip, that’s a bad sign.
Significantly less or more sex:
Both decreased and increased levels of sexual activity in your relationship can be a sign of infidelity. Less sex occurs because your partner is focused on someone else; more sex occurs because they are trying to cover that up. Another possible sign of cheating is that the sex you and your partner are having feels less emotionally connected. Yet another possible sign is that your partner is introducing new techniques and activities into your sexual life. As much as you might enjoy that, it’s possible that they are learning new tricks outside of your relationship.
Hostile toward you:
Cheaters tend to rationalize their behavior in their own minds. One way they do this is to push the blame onto you. They tell themselves that you don’t look the way you did when they married you, or you’re not adventurous enough in the bedroom, or you don’t appreciate all the wonderful things they do for you, so they deserve to have a little fun elsewhere. Often, their internal justifications for cheating leak out, and they behave judgmentally toward you and your relationship. If it suddenly seems like nothing you do is right, or that things that used to not bother your partner suddenly do, or as if you’re getting pushed away, that could be a strong indication of cheating.
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An altered schedule:
When your significant other—wwho never once worked late—ssuddenly needs to work late, and that starts to happen more and more frequently, they may be lying. If your spouse has never been away on a business trip and suddenly finds a need to travel for work, that could be a sign that they are having weekend getaways with an affair partner. Flat tires, dead batteries, traffic jams, spending extra time at the gym, and similar excuses for being late or absent altogether might also signal infidelity. A cheating partner might also suddenly be forgetful about picking up the kids, birthdays, other important events, etc.
Friends seem uncomfortable:
With infidelity, you, the betrayed partner, are nearly always the last person to find out. The cheater’s friends often know about the infidelity right from the start, and your own friends are likely to find out long before you do. This knowledge typically causes these individuals to feel uncomfortable around you. The cheater’s friends might try to avoid you or be overly nice to you. Your own friends may try to avoid conversations about your relationship, and they might overcompensate by being extra nice.
Unexplained expenses:
If there are odd charges on your partner’s credit cards or there is suddenly less money in your or your partner’s bank accounts, retirement accounts, investment accounts, etc., that’s a possible sign of infidelity. If you ask your partner about these expenses and their answers seem untrue, it’s likely that they are untrue. Infidelity costs money: gifts, trips, wine, dinners, hotel rooms, etc. The costs of cheating can add up very quickly. If you see large cash withdrawals or evidence of purchases from places you rarely or never frequent, that’s not a good sign.
Emotional intimacy:
After a few years, no relationship is as intense as it was in the first few months. That said, we do tend to bond and securely attach over time, learning to trust one another with our secrets, our desires, and other important aspects of our lives. That process is known as building emotional intimacy. And emotional intimacy is what keeps us bonded to our significant other long after the bloom is off the rose, so to speak. So, if your partner suddenly seems less emotionally vulnerable and intimate with you and does not seem to want you to be emotionally vulnerable and intimate, that’s a strong indication that their focus has shifted—mmost likely to an affair partner.
Deflects and avoids:
When you ask about cheating, your partner deflects and avoids. If your spouse is cheating on you, the absolute last thing in the world that they want to do is talk about it with you. So when you introduce this topic in conversation, they may try to deflect or avoid it. In short, your partner will do everything possible to steer you onto another topic, or they will shift the blame for what you’re thinking and feeling onto you. If you’ve confronted your partner about infidelity and been rebuffed, maybe with a message like, “If you trusted me a little more, maybe things would be better between us,” you should not let that override your gut sense that something is wrong in your relationship. Nor should you automatically accept your partner’s assertion that you are at fault. As stated earlier, if your gut tells you that your significant other is cheating on you, you’re probably right.
Schedule changes:
Most people have pretty predictable schedules, and even if their schedule changes, there’s usually a reason that makes sense. “Someone who must ‘work late’ all of a sudden at times that go beyond a reasonable explanation may be cheating,” Coleman says. That’s especially true if this keeps happening when your partner has no new job, promotion, or project they’re working on.
Less time spent:
Cheaters have to make time for their fling, and that time usually comes from time you once spent together. “Also, if the affair has gone on for a while, there may be demands placed upon them by their paramour to spend more time together,” Coleman says. Again, it’s perfectly OK and expected to ask your partner what’s going on when they’re suddenly not around as much as usual.
Less Sharing:
People usually share intimate details of their day with their partner. But when they’re cheating, that tends to shift to the new fling, Mayer says. As a result, they end up telling you less. “When they already have someone to share this with, they might not even be aware they are no longer sharing with you.”
Accuse you:
This is a weird but common habit of cheaters, and there are a few reasons for it, Coleman says. By making your alleged behavior the issue, it puts you on the defensive and takes the focus off of them. It can also make you less likely to speak up about things that seem off because you don’t want to upset them, given that they’re already “worried” that you’re cheating. And it also gives them a reason to say they need “time away to think,” aka meet up with their lover.
More gifts than usual:
Of course, loving partners give gifts. But cheaters take this to the next level to cover their tracks, Coleman says. It can be a way of reassuring you that they love you and are devoted to you, “so that any subtle sign of cheating the partner uncovers can be readily dismissed as something ‘they would never do,’” he says.
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Critical of you:
There’s something called cognitive dissonance that’s an uncomfortable state of inner anxiety and tension created when a person’s attitude about something (cheating is wrong) is the opposite of what they’re actually doing (cheating anyway), Coleman says. To try to reduce that inner tension, they may try to justify their cheating by trying to convince themselves that you’re the problem. And that can come out as being hypercritical of you out of nowhere.
Get defensive:
Relationships change and evolve, but this should be something you can talk about as a couple. “If there is an innocent explanation for why some things have changed, there is no need for defensiveness,” Coleman says. A cheater may answer a question with a question, like “Why do you ask?” or “Why is that important?” because they need more time to come up with an answer they can get away with, he says.
Ask about your schedule:
It can feel a little odd when your partner keeps asking when you will and won’t be home—and it should. “The cheater needs to know the time slots when they can have the freedom and flexibility to spend time with their new romantic interest,” Mayer says. “They work hard not to get caught.”
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Please note: Your significant other could display all 10 of these signs and still not be cheating. But these remain indications that something is wrong in their life and/or your relationship. It might not be cheating, but there is almost certainly something that you and your significant other can talk about. At the same time, your mate could be exhibiting none of these ten signs and still be cheating. Either way, the good news is that learning about infidelity does not automatically signal the end of your relationship. It simply means your partner has a lot of work to do if they want to restore relationship trust, make things right, and re-establish emotional and sexual intimacy.
If you learn that your partner has cheated on you, I strongly suggest that you not sit alone with that information. If you don’t feel comfortable confronting your partner, talk to a trusted friend, your pastor, or a therapist. Just don’t sit there alone with your fears and feelings. Reach out and find empathetic support. In our next video, we will discuss what you should do if your partner is cheating.
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